


Goodbye

by Szpurka



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: #merlinmemorymonth, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, M/M, Reincarnation, Road Trips, So in love it's not even funny
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-12
Updated: 2019-05-12
Packaged: 2020-03-01 15:37:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18803245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Szpurka/pseuds/Szpurka
Summary: Reincarnated Arthur and Merlin revisit places from their youth to finally put the past to its rightful rest. Their final stop is the castle where everything started. Or at least what was left of it





	Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> Another one! Whew, I just finished it and somehow am both sad and nostalgic and after I'll make some tea, I'm gonna watch the shit out of some funnier Merlin eps, bc I kinda got emotional xD
> 
> For MerlinMemoryMonth May 2019, the fourth day 12 of May, check out the other amazing works at their [tumblr](https://merlinmemorymonth.tumblr.com)  
> (I should've really link it sooner, you've been missing some goodness)
> 
> I chose another Path 3, because I like to suffer and it is: A life lost / A life lived (which I swapped to better fit the story, sorry)

Arthur tried focusing on his surrounding - the humming of air conditioning, the steady clicking of heels from the corridor, the insistent buzz of a stray fly, the deep breaths next to his ear. 

No matter how much he tried the sleep wouldn’t come. He stared at the ceiling, unseeing, mind wandering.

So much has changed since he died. 

Arthur had had a hard time to adjust to this new world. He got so much to learn it was only better that he had a - not always patient - teacher to guide him through all of it.

Of course there were the hard days, when Arthur locked himself in their room and refused to deal with any more technology for days on end. But after a year those days were few and far inbetween. 

Most days he was happy, content. WIth the man he loved more than the world itself on his side throwing insults and endearments on him in equal measure. With the weekly therapy sessions, dealing with the abuse and emotional constipation he suffered over the years. Changing the view on masculinity, femininity, sexuality and identity day at a time. Learning to be a better man for it. Expressing love, receiving it, cherishing it and sharing it. 

He wasn’t perfect, but he was on a right path.

So much has changed since he died.

The world had, of course. Although with the world Merlin has changed, too. He was not the same man he was. Arthur wasn’t even sure he was the man he claimed to be all those centuries ago. Possessing magic, lying to him about it… They even had a few couple therapy sessions with five different couples who all struggled with their relationships. Four of them were married for years, only Merlin and Arthur and Jamie and Carol young and willing to work on themselves. Tough neither Arthur nor Merlin could be considered young. Merlin was centuries old and Arthur felt like it.

Though seeing other people’s stories put a lot in perspective for Arthur. Some things were done for love and maybe should be forgiven, but not forgotten. But some you had to let go. That’s the natural way of things. Sometimes no matter how much anger and resentment he cultivated in himself there was no point in holding a grudge against someone whose motives you could finally understand so clearly.

Yeah, Arthur was getting so introspective there days, who would've guessed.

As much as Arthur changed himself, became a part of this new era that he learned to accept and even love, he prided himself more in learning about Merlin more than anything else. What he’d done for so many centuries. How he stopped anticipating Arthur’s return at some point - which Merlin was reluctant to admit but Arthur understood. There is so much faith you could put into a dead man and an uncertain prophecy.

Merlin had lives on his own, many of them, all filled with friends and lovers, happy and joyful. But as an immortal man it could not last forever and he had to bury them, so many of them, or sometimes run away from them, just to keep a memory of them, unblemished and full of life. The choices he made were not always the right ones. 

He liked to joke about getting immortality, because he needed so many centuries to finally stop being an idiot. Arthur laughed and agreed not to ruin the mood not because he agreed.

He thought Merlin’s immortality was a curse. But if it was it would’ve stopped working a lot time ago. Merlin explained to him that the magic was slowly dying, but as long as he was standing it did not die completely. Though Arthur found him many times clutching his heart, crying for the slowly dying traces of magic across the world. Arthur held him steady and silent at those times, not knowing what to say.

They did not talk about Camelot at first. Not a single word. Merlin did not say and Arthur did not ask. And his therapist wouldn’t be too thrilled if either of them would start to talk about how they were the legendary King and Sorcerer as their names suggested. She was not qualified to deal with that, though Arthur would like to see her face after. Dr. Strauss had exactly one expression and Arthur always appreciated her no-nonsense attitude, especially when dealing with him. Merlin deemed her a bit too harsh, but that was exactly what Arthur needed at the time.

And there they were - 12 years later, a bit bruised and battered two parts of one whole who finally fit together. There was the last thing from their past they still didn’t deal with - and it was high time to finally put the last of their past to rest.

They fought about it on the beginning, but finally came to the same conclusion. The people and places they knew stopped existing so long ago and the only one who knew them all by heart was Merlin.

Merlin became Arthur’s guide through all of this. Firstly they started with the end - with this damn lake, this damn mountain he killed Mordred on. Slowly, they made their way north through Wales.

They lived in Wales for a while, when Arthur still was getting used to this new era. Merlin wanted to live somewhere outside of Cardiff, but with easy access to trains and such, because Arthur for the longest time couldn’t sit in a car without getting an anxiety attack. Trains were easier somehow, and it proved to be a good opportunity to observe people living their normal busy lives. Arthur learned to be invisible and in the end he quite liked it, not getting recognized by anyone, not being bothered and being made to perform his kingly duties.

Royalty was still there and the head of the country was Queen Elizabeth, an old lady and a public figure. Though the country was run by the Prime Minister and parliament. And other countries - when had the world gotten so big? - didn’t even have kings or queens and everyone were believed to be equal, which of course upon closer inspection wasn’t the case. 

Merlin hated politics and explained only the basics, but Arthur followed the news religiously complaining about things and idiots that were today’s politicians, frustrated he wasn’t able to change the world. Though he enjoyed his freedom too much to give it up and get intrigues and stabbing in the back again.

Anyway they’ve bought a cottage and lived for the longest time near the past they tried to forget. Merlin was always fond of this place, because he still could feel magic coursing through those lands, thrumming with energy, flowing through Merlin back to the earth and air and sea. The Crystal Cave, which Merlin once told him about, the source of all the magic in the world, was located somewhere within the country, Arthur guessed as much, though Merlin never confirmed it.

What Arthur never thought about is that they were for years so close to the places lost and Merlin carried that burden alone.

It was the last stop on their long journey and it was 2 hour drive from their first real home, their little heaven they spend the quietest slowest days in. They haven’t visited the place, they sold it mutual agreement that its time has come and they did not want to find out if the elderly couple that bought it from them was still enjoying it.

They booked a small room at a hotel, though it was a hotel only in name. In was one of those traditional places that was all about the real authentic medieval experience - of course without pissing in a bucket, rough sheets and with air-conditioning on. It was more like a tavern. Which was strangely fitting, Arthur had to admit. He wondered if Merlin did it on purpose.

Arthur let out a quiet laugh to himself, which was enough to wake Merlin up, though as lazy as he always was he was slow to wake, eyes still closed, burrowing into Arthur neck and sighing heavily, before his body went slack again. 

Arthur though he’d gotten back to sleep, but then he heard a quiet huff, and words rasped against his shoulder, “I can hear you thinking, you know.”

“Oh, so you’re a mind-reader, too now, are you?”

“Prat.” Merlin thwacked him in the chest with open palm, which was too half-arsed a blow to do him any harm or to make a point.

“It’s nothing. Go to sleep, love.” His fingers found their home in Merlin’s dark locks, massaging his scalp.

“Stop trying to distract me.” Merlin protested half-heartedly, craning his head into Arthur’s fingers. “

Arthur smiled to himself, “Am I distracting?”

“You know you are.” Merlin grumbled, but then quietly he asked, “Want me to take it away, so you could get a bit of rest? We have a long hike ahead of us tomorrow.”

Arthur debated with himself, if it was worth it. Merlin with a whisper of a words could make him fall asleep without dreams and nightmares altogether. He used to do this after a worse night or two, but they haven’t done it in a while. Though Merlin was right, of course. They couldn’t drive and most of the way over the mountains they’ll have to walk by foot. Arthur needed rest, lest they wanted to relive their past  _ that  _ much and Merlin would have to save him yet again, while Arthur just went ahead not considering his health and generally being an idiot.

“Yeah, alright,” he decided finally.

He closed his eyes and the last thing he remembered was the softest brush of Merlin’s fingertips on his temple.

 

***

 

They were walking for about forty minutes now and when they reached an open space, some kind of field, Merlin stopped, hands on his knees and panting heavily.

“Oh, come on, now, Merlin. Don’t tell me you’re tired already.” Arthur laughed. So many years and he still couldn’t catch up with Arthur’s fast pace of walking. Pity there weren’t any horses around.

Merlin hanged his head down, putting his finger up, telling Arthur to give him a moment. Arthur waited with his eyebrows up, until Merlin finally caught his breath and said, his expression apologetic, “We’re here, Arthur.”

Arthur frowned, looking around and well, there wasn’t anything much to look at, to be honest. It was an open clear field, with some flowers here and there. He could see sheep on the fields a mile or so forward, a forest on the left side and…

“Here? That’s it?”

Merlin nodded seriously.

Arthur threw his head back and laughed.

He threw his backpack on the ground, yanked his hat from his head and went a few steps before he threw himself on the grass, not caring a bit about any possible insects and mud. He laughed again, closing his eyes against the sun and that famous welsh wind that made his eyes water on such an open space.

He knew Merlin must think he’s finally gotten mad or something, but he didn't care. Besides they both were just about right amount of mad to put up with each other.

Arthur was so worried. After all they’ve seen. After all the tears they’ve spilled…

They visited their friends graves. They’ve put Excalibur next to Gwen’s tomb that no one would ever find. They’ve spilled the best irish whisky on the rocks that became Gwaine’s grave. They’ve written letters and put them into bottles and buried them for all the knights and friends they didn’t know where were buried. Merlin spent an entire afternoon collecting herbs he put on Gaius’ grave.

No one would ever find out about those places, those tokens Arthur and Merlin put there, because Merlin's magic wouldn’t let modern world to disrespect those people and their story. And Arthur had to agree. One of the worst things of in this century was desire to make everything a tourist attraction, to cash in on everything.

And they’ve let Camelot rest. And let King Arthur and Wizard Merlin be only some legendary characters of public domain now.

It was a great kingdom once, Camelot. And that was the best irony of all that there was nothing left of it now. Not even a rock. Just an open field. Like nature made a point of forgetting it, erasing it from the world.

“Arthur?” Merlin said, still standing next to Arthur’s backpack, as if unsure of coming closer. 

He rarely sounded uncertain with Arthur these days and Arthur couldn’t help but laugh. What, he thought Arthur would just kick him in the arse or yell at him that the Camelot they knew was no more? Like it was somehow his fault.

“Come here, you giant idiot,” Arthur said exasperated, patting the ground next to him. And then, because he couldn’t help himself, “Join me in this marvelous castle of mine.”

Merlin snorted and left his backpack next to Arthur’s, sitting on the cold ground at Arthur’s hip. He looked down on Arthur, biting his bottom lip, dark curls escaping his beanie, eyes so impossibly bright and full of love.

“Is the throne too hard on your skinny backside, my lord?” Arthur teased. To be honest some rocks were digging in his own arse cheek and shoulder, but he didn’t give a damn when Merlin laughed and swatted him in the chest not at all gently with a shout, “Worry about your own backside!”

Arthur snatched a hand before it made a next attempt at his life. Arthur tugged at it before Merlin fell on his chest, knees digging into his thighs before he found comfortable position, elbows on the ground on both sides of Arthur’s head.

“You’re a bit of a prat still, you know that?” Merlin’s warm breath on his lips.

“Yeah, but you wouldn’t have any other way.” And Arthur kissed him before he could protest.

When they both came out for breath, they were panting and laughing, before Arthur finally shoved Merlin on the ground next to him, snorting at Merlin’s indignant squawk.

Though he didn’t protest much, not even thrown an insult. He just gazed in Arthur’s eyes, tears slowly forming, before he took Arthur gloved hand and kissed his bare fingertips.

Arthur had no more tears left in him so he let Merlin cry on his own, sometimes brushing tears from his cheeks.

What he had left though was love, so much love. For this man in front of him, for all of their fallen friends and families. 

They’ve spend so much time dwelling on the dark times, but they weren’t always dark. Those lost years were filled with love and laughter and smiles and such ridiculous situations that no one would ever believe in.

“Hey, love, remember that time you took off my trousers with your magic in front of my uncle and all the royal advisers?”

Arthur smiled softly to himself, while Merlin sobbed harder. Arthur kissed his hand and thought, ‘We’ll live.”

**Author's Note:**

> [If you liked my story, consider buying me a coffee!](https://ko-fi.com/szpurka)
> 
> Sorry that all those one-shots are so sad, oh my god. Maybe it really shows the deepest crevices in my heart are filled with molten angst and nostalgia. I can only hope you didn't cry as I did XD
> 
> I want to make some announcements, hopefully you're still reading this:  
> 1) The response to my last two entries has been MASSIVE. I can't tell you how much I appreciate all the lovely comments and kudos and bookmarks and THE SUPPORT AGHH. It's amazing and I genuinely never would have predicted it. You guys are all lovely and amazing and I almost cry every time someone leaves a comment <3
> 
> 2) I came to ao3 and writing fanfics, because I wanted to see how people would receive my writing. I am currently 3/4 into my own urban fantasy novel, which I've been wanting/trying to write since I was 12 or 13. And I don't really have many people in my life who want/have time to read it, so for a long time I've been quietly doubting myself, my writing and my abilities to tell a good story
> 
> 3) I hope that later this year (end of June or July) I will have money to make and manage my own site and from there I would slowly try to achieve my dream of sharing my writing as well as talking about it, about my progress and struggles, talk about film and media and books and characters and stories, which is something that's been my passion and my life forever, but only few months ago I've decided not to wait for someone to notice me and instead take matters into my own hands and make my dream of publishing my book come true on my own terms
> 
> 4) I currently have a [tumblr](https://w-szpurka.tumblr.com)  
> where you can reach me and e-mail (szpurkawrites@gmail.com) where you can talk to me about your own journey with writing, fanfiction, fandoms, movies, books and anything really, I'm lonely and I want to talk to you :D
> 
> 5) Anyway that detailed (and boooring) tragic backstory was kind of shutout to you guys, if you enjoy my writing and shit you can go to my tumblr and give me some prompts for one shots and drabbles for various ships and fandoms. If you wanna and you have time, maybe?
> 
> Sorry for the long post :) Hope you enjoyed this work and there'll be hopefully a lot more in the future!
> 
> I also encourage you to visit [my site](https://szpurka.com/), because I'm just starting and it's important to me, and I have an actual physical novel in the making, so maybe if you're interested in that you can ask me about it or smth :D


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